That Bear. Maybe you’ve heard his grizzly call. Faintly, like a grumbly ringing in your ears. He stands hibernating on the third floor of the College Center at Vassar. In the lobby of WVKR. So captivating. So carnivorous. So much potential for mauling. Did you know “Bear Danger” is an accepted phrase? It refers to the threat of bears for hikers and campers. I would like to minimize the amount of Bear Danger in my life. And the consumer in me wonders if there’s a product that can do this for me, instead of me doing it myself. They have elephant guns; do they have bear guns? The internet has told me there is bear mace, but let’s be fair, if pepper spray doesn’t always work on a drunk assailant, it’s not gonna do shit to a twelve hundred pound charging Kodiak Bear.
Though bear in question does not harm a soul. In fact, he doesn’t even eat meat, always has a smile, and is currently wearing a pithy little hat. He is the Chainsaw Bear. And I made him in my image. No that’s not true. Some very legit Hudson Valley dude with a chainsaw made him in the image of a bear, but years ago I brokered the deal that brought him to where he sits in the lobby of VKR. The throne of the king that has most definitely seen a bear’s share of weird Vassar shit. Silently watching youth grow. That smile is all-knowing.
Five years ago I was the General Manager at WVKR and I made the bear my legacy to the College. Some people created clubs, some people made art, some people built “life-long friendships”. Ohh Lookit! You’ve got a friendship and some watercolor on paper! Well I’ve got a fuckin’ six foot tall bear. My Vassar spirit animal. Come correct and don’t complain when you get sent home like a bearless bitch.
Does it have a name now? We just called him Chainsaw Bear, which is rugged, edgy, and also obvious given his origin. Maybe he would rather be a Frank? Something simple. Is he a Ted? Something from his roots like Ursi? Or maybe he just wants anonymity? Or something even more badass like Clawsy O’Ripface. His smile tells us he knows what he wants. The bear and I smile together. Longevity Bear. He’ll be there after we all graduate.
Oh and thank you for the blogspot VKR. Catch me back here at a later date or over at www.theavantguardian.org every Friday afternoon. Snootch.